For Everything, There is a Season

Dear lord. What is it that you want from me in this world? Where is it, I am to be Lord? What is it you shall have me do? Exist? I have absorbed myself into making this place my father gave me a home. It is all I know right now. I have neglected it for so long it has become unfamiliar in places and lacks so much attention in others. This is where I am most at home at the moment. In the silent chaos of my own mind within these four walls. There is nothing but memories on these walls and I have spent hours painting away the unwanted ones with each coat. Establishing something new in each corner of each room. Trying desperately to see if I can find myself somewhere here each morning I wake. Each night I retire into the bed I have frequented for nearly 30 years. I have known so many versions of myself here. This is the first time I have met this one. She is lost but she is strong. She is fearless yet she is frightful. She cannot find her way but walks on anyway. She soaks in the silence of just being. She longs for only something that will no longer be and something she knows not yet what can or will be. The fire within her remains but finds little to stoke the flame. She knows there is a season for everything. She knows not how long each season will last and never has until she looks back over her life to see the progression of each spring, summer, fall and winter. I have not written in some time though I think of it every single day. It is just that I have not found what it is that I am looking for or even the words to do it justice on a page. What has life become? What season am I in? I have found myself asking all too often lately, “what is this about?”. I am further from that answer than I have ever been in my life. I have always believed that life is a road you will walk alone. Regardless of who comes in and out of your life… there is but only one road to call your own. I do believe it is meant that way in order for us to return to our Father. We are meant to have one resource in our lives… through Christ. Yes, some of us are fortunate enough to have children. Some are fortunate enough to find the love of their life. Some are afforded the gift of living long lives with them. Some people are lucky enough to have even one person to call friend. Some are richly blessed with many to surround themselves with. Some people are fulfilled by their life’s work. All in all, in the end- the road comes down to one. One person searching for what. When you find yourself here… I am saddened to think of those who do not feel the presence of God. Though I am surrounded by many whom I believe love me infinitely and undoubtedly… I do feel alone. It is what it is right now. Not totally alone. At any moment I can and do reach out to my people and find welcoming arms and words daily.  But even in a crowd, it is not far away, that I remain… alone. But even then I do feel the presence of my Lord. So then why do I continue to ask these questions. If I feel the presence of my Lord constantly with me… how can I wonder the things that I do? I so often answer that question with this. It is my time to be alone with my Lord. It is my time, my season to hear the stillness in the world and listen for Him. To let everyone else participate in the daily of their own lives and for me to find the presence in my own. Am I going to find it while busying myself with finding the home for which I am meant to live? As I prepare each room to the liking for the day, I am constantly envisioning those who might one day visit there. Hope. Is that the version of hope I am holding on to right now? Hope on Earth? Shouldn’t I be looking further out than that? I find that the presence of THIS DAY is all that is important to me. I have found that harvesting the sorrow of the days past is of no use. There is no good there. So I avoid it like the plague. I rush those thoughts out as quickly as they appear. I know there are things I need to confront- like the death of my mother. I think of it every day. It has been too much to acknowledge aside from the very fact itself. But there are things. Things that need addressing. There are tasks that I have left undone since the passing of my beloved Todd that I continue to leave go because finishing them feels like an ending to something I suppose I will never fully accept. Leaving them undone somehow lets it linger in limbo of fulfilling what I feel obligated to and what I do not want to admit. (I know that is vague… the subject for another day… but for speculation’s sake, I have completely written thank you notes from his passing but not sent them for one thing). I have always been in touch with my inner Scarlett O’Hara… “I’ll think about that tomorrow!” And so sometimes I do, sometimes I am forced to and sometimes, that tomorrow has not yet come.

So for today. I have written. I have put out into the universe what is on my heart every day. Perhaps doing so will make it so. Whatever IT is. Go be blessed today. After all… It is TODAY. JHW