Mother. Of all Pain.

Isn’t it incredible that psychological pain is worse than physical pain? I mean… perhaps I have not had a lot of physical pain in my life. I had appendicitis when I was 9. I remember that being painful but more nauseating than anything none the less still painful. I had a pretty good bike wreck when I was little that left me with a really awesome scar for many years. Honestly, I was a little sad to see it gone one day. It was gnarly. I had my wisdom teeth removed, anesthesia of course. I had two natural child births— one with no epidural and one may as well have been. No broken bones that I am aware of except I do think I broke my index finger playing coed softball and they put me on second base. Oh… why does common sense go out the window when a ground ball is headed straight your way and you decide to throw out your dominant hand instead of the one with the big, leather glove on it? Inexperience? yaaa. I had never played second base before, much less softball. Oh and I have herniated disc in my neck. Two of them. Kept me up at night crying. When pain is so great… I have nothing left to do but cry. And I’m not a cryer. I hate crying. DETEST it in fact. There have been a few times that physical pain drew instant tears from my eyes. The one time I smashed my finger in the garage door. The one time my dogs pulled me off the porch and ripped my newly manicured acrylic nail off my thumb. I did not cry giving birth. I focused on the pain- until I couldn’t and I told my doctor I was done. 🙂 He quickly informed me that I certainly was not. But, being someone who hates to feel weakness I do not like to cry. But I would take physical pain over emotional pain any day of the week and twice on Sundays. I say that… I pray I don’t have to eat those words one day, Amen. But for the most part, I feel I have a fairly high pain tolerance. So if I say it hurts, by gosh it does. I learned early on at some point in my life that a quiet smolder works best under duress. Quietly ease through pain. Be still. Be easy. Focus on it. Let it be. Don’t fight it. The more you fight it the worse it hurts…NO? I have also learned that prevention is a good word when it comes to enduring pain. When you go to shut that garage door manually, you remember next time to check and see if your finger is in the crack before you slam it down. Stupid things like that. Hangovers. Hurt. Exponetially worse than when I was even a few years younger. They also don’t hurt nearly as bad when you spend the next day lying next to your favorite human, warm and comfy watching something mindless as you doze off in between. Needless to say. I don’t enjoy drinking anymore. Prevention. See?

But how about emotional pain. Psychological pain. Mental pain. Brain pain. Soul pain. Gut wrenching heart pain. You know the one. The kind… the heart ❤ that you learned to draw on your notebook when you had a crush on the cute kid and as your grew up became the heart attached to more than just a puppydog love. The basic shape you tried your best to perfect the same as the five point star that everyone did differently. Back when you first felt the connection between the two… the drawing and the real one beating in your body that it felt so big that you actually wondered how your chest could contain it. I don’t know about you but I quickly learned that the bigger the explosion in my chest the faster I was able to feel it vanish. Those cartoon hearts came and went often and my teenage, bloody and beating heart wore the bandaid’s of lifes experiences like tattoos we got out of cracker jack boxes. Proud of them. I liked having life experiences. I liked feeling strong. I liked getting to know myself. But there was more than just boyfriend/girlfriend pain. Those seemed to be the easiest of pain. Boyfriends were easy to replace. It was the other growing pains that hurt the most. Friends… “friends” you thought loved you one day then were mean to you the next just for the sake of being mean. Girls that wanted to pull your hair out and beat you up for a reason you never did understand. Getting into trouble for things you didn’t understand even yourself WHY you did them much less try to explain that question of the century to Bill Hamilton, knower of all things. I remember saying…”I dont know why”. And genuinely I didn’t. Then the hurts started to get more real. Grow in depth. Losing a grandparent. Losing another. Then another. Then they all were gone. Watching your child be hurt by someone’s words that you couldn’t undo. From there, the hurts have continued to the depths of hell and everywhere in between. Would I have taken a broken leg instead? Damn right. Every time.

As I walked from the hospital tonight at dusk to my car, I felt the sting of emotional pain. It had hit me earlier bringing tears to the fullest extent. The ones I hate the most are the ones I did not see coming. Like wait… dammit! What are they doing here?? Get back! But they came. Unstoppable. Drenching me and stealing my breath. Pulling things out of me I didn’t want to give up. No!! I want to hold on to that feeling because if I give it up, its gone and there will be a new one to replace it and its probably going to be one I do not want! No thanks emotional tear demon fairy, I’ll keep these to myself. But it is too late. The fairy has hold of them and starts pulling them out of your mouth. You can feel it start by stinging your eyes. Then you can feel it start tugging at the very bottom of your stomach. Actually, the outside of the very bottom of your stomach. As he pulls that feeling up through your throat by the time he gets it fully out your stomach has turned inside out as the sobs are released from the depths. Nothing can stop them now. They are pouring out all over the floor uncontrollably for everyone to see. People see them and start walking around them. The emotions. The nasty raw emotions that make everyone uncomfortable. People bring tissues for you to try and clean that mess up but it is not of much use. I realized as I walked through the rain puddles from the storm that I was IN PAIN. I Hurt. Everything. Hurt. Not just a sad feeling. Not just boo hoo hoo. Like, man damn, I feel very awful. It is so hard to escape emotional pain. There are many ways to escape physical pain… generally speaking. I don’t mean in extraordinary circumstances. But, if you have a headache- take Tylenol. If you over excerted… lie down with ice. You know the deal. How on earth do we escape emotional pain. We all do it differently don’t we. I have taken bits and pieces from people along the way. My daughter taught me to take a long shower or bath. My bf says to get outside, take a walk, breath in the air. My grandmother would say to do some work. My father didn’t know what emotional pain was- joking. He did and the only thing he could do was work or simply make up his mind it wasn’t going to hurt anymore.

Life is strange. Without any details tonight as I am tired from the emotional exorcism I experienced tonight, I would ask you to pray for my dear mother. My mind is not accepting the seriousness of what this demon fairy has pulled from within. My heart is bowing down just in case.

Dear Lord and Almighty Savior. I pray with all of my heart that you would keep my mother in your hands of healing and comfort. Lord I am not ready to return her home to you. I pray Thy will be done. In Jesus name. I pray.

Amen.

Thanks friends. May the peace of the Lord that surpasses all understanding wash over us tonight. + JHW