Chronicling Days Here

“How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on? In your heart you begin to understand… there is no going back. There are some things that time cannot mend. Some hurts that go too deep…and have taken hold.” Frodo, Lord of the Rings Return of the King.

In but a few days, one year will have passed since I heard your voice. Touched you. Kissed your lips. Hugged you for the last time. I am still quite paralyzed. I am grateful you’ve lifted the heavy stone behind my breast. I don’t know how or when you took it I only know my breath comes easier most days. The heavy sigh remains. The deep breath that never quenches the desperate hunger to really breathe again stays. I long for the rest I felt beside you at night. I dreamt of you last night. I wake with sadness that it was only a dream. So real… then so removed. Another day with you so fresh in my mind. Its a bittersweet reward. Too much lately i have uttered the same words written by J.R.R. Tolkien in his epic Lord of the Rings. So filled with words that force me to stop and contemplate. Years ago at another time in my life I found myself musing at his words… little did I know I would find something from them that meant nothing to me then and everything now. To walk another path unforeseen into a place I did not want to go I can glance over and see the journey I made ten years ago. Not the same at all but so close by the reminders are staggering. How do I pick up the threads of an old life? It is an ugly revelation when you are faced with the reality that you are holding so tight to a life that is gone. Before… on the other path… I had a mission. Like Frodo with the ring…I could not fail. I had to go on. I had to try for my daughter. I had to do my best for her. To give her the best chance I could to have a life of her own. It was not without obstacles and challenges that we still overcome to this day… but we have held on to each other. I survived. She has survived. And here… I am again. A hurt too deep. Time cannot mend. I know that time is the only hope there is though. Should God give it… He is Time. He is Help.

How do you find a new starting line? When the entirety of your life was planned TOGETHER. Your plans for old age. Your plans for tomorrow. The plans we had made for EVERYTHING. Gone in an instant. I’ve grown angry at old people that have one another. Old people. Imagine that.

Today is now the 29th. The day after THE DAY. i crashed today. How can you find satisfaction in a day that ruined your life. I forgave it yesterday. I’m renewed in my hatred for it today. It’s a brand new territory to be in when you can see nothing past this moment.

Future holds such uncertainty that there’s only darkness with sunspots of people you cherish scattered hither and yon. Then there’s a fear. A terrible, haunting fear. Of another unbearable loss. They’re sure to come aren’t they? I should not fear… for the shepherd you know. But i do. Does that constitute a lack in faith? I am scared. I cannot lie.

The expression that your life flashes before your eyes has been taunting me. I have these flashes of memories that go all the way back into my childhood. For no good or apparent reason. I find my mind occupied by a very specific memory that I have no idea why. The strangest thing is this… it becomes a tangible memory to me. I can smell the mats we napped on in kindergarten at Midway. I can feel the energy from dancing at a pageant. I can feel the very FEELING of a moment in my old house growing up when it was summertime and the ac had not yet been turned on. Why?? I will just get a flash of a person or an event I haven’t thought of in decades. I relive parts of my life that felt insufferable at the time and now they’re somewhat endearing. I find myself longing for times I barely recall enjoying. I find myself in the middle of my studio waiting room wishing to be back there again. Being at the packing house in the summer. The cold air outside the motor home in South Dakota when I was 10. Maybe its my mind placing me in situations it can control. Maybe it cannot conceive the future and all it can do is replay familiar scenes. I know… man I need a therapist. The questions for which there are no answers plague me daily. The constant yearning for knowledge for that I am uncertain man has any business in knowing. Like couldn’t I have an angel visit me like Old Scrooge of past, present and future. The explanation to unsolved mysteries… why should not we have them? Is this the creation and maintenance of faith itself?

04.11.22 I thought it was tomorrow. His day of birth. But as I opened my computer, the date glared at me like an enemy… with somewhat contempt. Because I wasn’t expecting to see it today, here first thing. Today is the day the very love of my life was brought onto this Earth to begin his worldly journey where he undoubtedly left his mark and solid legacy. 52 years ago today a boy was born who would stomp through this world touching every soul he met with gladness and happiness of heart. He would love hunting and fishing and friends would become the commodity he cherished most. His children would become the driving force of his very existence, holding them closest in his heart. Every step he would make would be to better their lives. His grandchildren the highlight of his life. He had grown to see the top of his game. He was extraordinarily great at his trade. He was exquisite in his handling of each farmer and friend he had the opportunity to help. His relationship with his maker was unshakable. He had become un-waivering in his faith and his beliefs were as strong as Noah’s ark in the storms. He was an anomaly. Happy every single day. Not sweating the small stuff and rarely letting the large things cloud his heart. His happiness was contagious and everyone who encountered him caught it in his presence. A true gift.

Happy Birthday my love. Your physical presence is greatly missed. I believe we still find you with us. The completely random feather you drop for us to find. The song that begins out of nowhere to remind us you’re here. The pheasant that gives us a Godwink that hope is still alive. The laughter from your grandchildren. The expressions in their faces that we can only see YOU in! The fearlessness and joy of our wild flower Jolene. The sweetness of the perpetual smile on the lips and face of Valerie. The boyish grin and eyebrow tilt Knox flashes our way. You are carrying on. The caring and generosity set forth in your children they fulfill with intention only grows. Yes, my dear, you are smiling with pride. The heavens are full of music and dancing and laughter as your birth is celebrated today, your day. I have no doubt that no plans were short in heaven on this day as your Father rejoices in your work here. Happy Birthday My Linda. My love. My husband. Our Granddad. I can see your unforgettable smile today. It is your day. With all there is and all there will be… I love you. JHW