Faith

Reality comes in waves. I kind of cherish the days where it isn’t real. Many people struggle with guilt on those days because they feel they’re doing a disservice to their loves by escaping grief if only for a moment. I know that my Linda doesn’t want me to hurt. So I do not struggle with guilt. Just reality. He comes to visit me often in my dreams though lately there have been more nightmares than euphoria. They seem like curses when that happens. I’ve always been one to vividly recall my dreams and nightmares. I can still remember ones I had from childhood. They stay ingrained in my mind and emotional soul for some reason. I do not understand it nor do I know why… but who of us does? Last night was a good dream for the most part but there were still parts that left me sad and uncomfortable. Unfortunately the remnants come with me as I wake and stay with me like pungent stains. Its hard to start a day anew as expected when you’re dealing with a fragment of something left with you that you cannot even understand. It’s easy to say it was just a dream but erasing the emotional toll is not easy at all.

Today is a day that has been blacked out of almost every planner I have had since 2011. I finally stopped blacking them out sometime along the way because I no longer felt the overwhelming need to do so. It is a day in the year now. For the past several years it varies in the weight that it carries. In the beginning it was completely overwhelming. I am not usually one to put much weight on a date. Honestly, I cannot really recall the exact date my father passed. They are just days now. But January 28, 2011, was a date that became the before and after of my life so it is not quite as easy to forget. I still measure things by that date. Yesterday was a difficult day. My daughter and I have established that our souls just know… the body knows what the date is. But today I am ok. But I am preserving my peace. Today I will be selfish and protective of that peace. I want you to know that it is ok. There are so many things that don’t make sense in the physical world and the practical world. Like emotions. Why am I having all of these anxious emotions? But emotions affect our physical selves. The anxiety raised my blood pressure. It increased my heart rate. You don’t believe that stress affects our bodies? It manifests in so many different ways. It doesn’t make SENSE to me that my body can react in such wretched ways but it is all ONE being. Why wouldn’t it? Recognize it and accept it. Mange it and protect it. It is valuable. And it does not matter if no one else understands. “Mental health days” used to be a joke when I was in high school because it was just a metaphor for skipping school. It is absolutely no joke now. It is real and today I am taking one for the sake of my physical health.

Why did I start out talking about dreams? Well I actually started writing this January 10 because I had a dream/nightmare that was so intense and so real that I felt I had to share it. Then I just couldn’t. My dreams of Jake have almost always consistently been wonderful visits from him. The same for my dad. I cannot say the same about my visits from Toddy. About every 1 in ten will be good. But “good” is a relative term here. I had one not too long ago where we just embraced each other and held on for a long time. But in the dream- I knew that it was temporary and he did not. So I held on tighter and longer. And when I awoke… it was a more bitter than sweet recollection. The memory of the hug was wonderful. The reality it was a dream was crushing. I think that my mind just has not accepted what it cannot understand. I believe my subconscious is still trying to grasp it. I don’t know and nobody does.

So the 28th. Not a good day. We lost Jake January 28, 2011. We lost our best friend Mark on February 28, 2021. We lost my Linda, our Toddy, March 28, 2021. Bizarre isn’t it. Not a mystery I choose to investigate. Just a dark beginning to a new year. While we choose to not think of it, why does our soul have no choice but to acknowledge it? I suppose if we recognize the good days like weddings and birthdays there would be no explanation for forgetting the other ones that also changed our lives. You cannot forget the happiness felt on such wonderful days… how can we forget the pain felt on the others. The older I get the less birthdays really matter to me. In that regard, I am thankful that every day is a “birthday”. Sadly I suppose, I feel the same about holidays. I find them more stressful than anything and I like to gift those I love throughout the year. Since Jake left, only each day mattered. You become more aware of each day. Your life is different now. What you place value on has changed significantly. But there is something about those days you would rather erase. You just can’t. And we each handle them differently. I am learning a lot about myself AS myself. Not as a wife. Not as Jake’s mom. Not as Bill’s daughter. As myself and who I am alone with myself. I have surprised myself at the peace I have found in my own solitude. And in the end of that… I feel that is all God is asking from me. To find HIM. To lean on Him. To look to Him. And most days I do. And some days I argue with Him and have a tantrum. And He lets me. And then He puts peace back into my heart. I don’t understand the rest. Or any of it, really. But I cannot deny that yesterday I was angry and hurt and broken down and full of self pity and spit at the idea of “why do we have to keep picking up pieces to put them back together for the whole thing to crumble yet again”. And He listened. And He woke me up again this morning and said… “Let’s try again today”. So here I am. Telling you. That I scribbled all over yesterdays picture. Today I feel like staying in the lines again. The only thing different is that I asked for help. I cannot promise you that by the end of today I won’t be violently scribbling again. But this very minute, I am quiet and peaceful. And for that I am deeply grateful. I guess the moral to the story is that on the bad days when it feels like everything is a waste, talk to your Father. Yell at Him if you have to. But do not rest before asking for his hand. I have no answers. I have only questions. And faith. Right now… Faith woke me up easy. I will pray the same for you.

Thank you for coming along today. Say my boy’s name today if you will… JAKE! It fills a mama’s heart. My love to you. JHW+