I Just Hate Lemonade

Post 15

Just when I think that my writing is of no use, someone mentions it and I become inspired to continue. I write to release the tangles of knots that build up inside daily. I run from these tangles and just like when I wind up the cord on my hairdryer each time, somehow there is always a knot that I never know how in the world it got there. When I have run as fast and as far as I can, inevitably, I always get wrapped up in the emotional mess inside and I fall. It is such a disappointment, too. Because I think that I have figured out what it is that will relieve this storm in my heart but then when it returns with a vengeance, I find that the effort was futile after all. My mind knows deep down that it was good for a while… that the effort was not futile. I accomplished things that I needed to and hopefully helped somebody else in the process. But returning to this hurt… well, it hurts. Please do not feel pity. I think that I am reluctant to write and publish sometimes because I do not want pity. I want to share feelings that I have… for myself. The beauty of it for me is when someone else can relate to what I am feeling and let’s me know that I have given them words to describe it. Relatable. Somehow there is comfort in being surrounded by others who can relate. I belong to several grief support groups and if you are in a situation where you feel alone and no one can relate, I do recommend finding one that is right for you. We share so much with each other and there is a spectacular support in the stories and words of strangers that I had never known. Just by being relatable.

Today has been one of those days I could definitely feel coming. I tried running a little faster. I tried slowing down. It’s either you wear yourself out or you spend your “rest time” feeling nervous and anxious. Take your pick I guess. What works one day might not the next. Today was a day of surrender. Today was the day of giving it up. Today, I let it have me. The thoughts that dart into my mind like pop up ads on your favorite youtube video. Just a flash here and a flash there. Each time trying to X them out quickly. The “Why’s”. The hurt. The feeling that the whole world is actually pointless. The “What is this all for anyway?” The realities of what IS important and the actualities of ALL of the things that ARE NOT. Seasons of life make sense. Being young. Growing up. Having children. Raising children. Having a career. Getting old. When they get out of order… nothing makes sense anymore. Is it supposed to? Are we some sort of gifted if our lives go in “that order”? Are we some sort of cursed if it doesn’t? I think it makes us unique. I think the broken orders make people either become something magnificent more than they might have been otherwise or they break to the point of no return. What determines that? What inside of us will create that outcome? Is there a drive inside that was predestined? Is it in our genetic make up? Is it our faith? I don’t really know. I guess for me it is a mix of many of those things. I feel I have grown in faith over the years. Inexplicably, honestly. I think that I inherited some grit that took me many years to realize and cultivate to the surface and ultimately have confidence in. But days like today, I realize that I am not finished. I realize that I am somewhere lost on a path I had an underlying knowledge of but refused to concede to. I had hoped I could pray it away. I had hoped that I could be thankful enough. I had hoped that I would be wrong. But I wasn’t. It was too good. It was too perfect. It was the pinnacle of happiness- it could not last long and how I knew it I can never tell you. Because I, myself, do not know. If you want to know a secret and the truth, I think I always knew it with my Jake, too. I do not have a feeling preceding my future though. It is a black movie screen. I’m not sure if the movie has just ended or I am waiting on it to begin. Sometimes I think it will be the latter and I will be some wise old woman who has stories to tell and lives some interesting life. Most of the time, I doubt that and find it might be over quicker than I thought and I became unremarkable by my own will. Why do we think such things? Remember when all that used to matter was today and the thrill of what today would bring? Because there was always going to be another day to finish some unfinished business or have another adventure or choose a path of unknown just to see where it lead you. I do. For now, it is getting THROUGH a day. I often think of my husband who faced so many adversities in his life. His father passing at the precipice of his adult life. His mother passing only 10 years later. The life he led. The way he overcame. He became magnificent. He never backed up. I find myself feeling inadequate in his wake. But down deep, I strive to become like him. I hold out hope that if I do live long enough, I CAN learn more of his ways. It’s just this time of nothingness. You feel guilty letting a day go without having made your mark somewhere. But on most days you just don’t know how. All of this hurt gets in the way. I take so many things away from a day that most people have no idea that I do. Being kind to a stranger. ‘Taking a high road when it’s hard. Accomplishing something I have been putting off because it hurt. They feel like such mealy little things but for now, it’s all I have to offer. But it counts to me.

When life gives you lemons. Ah, that thought has crossed my mind today. I laugh inside thinking I just want to smash them. I don’t want any damn lemonade. I hate lemonade. I want to throw them. Yea, sometimes AT people. Does that make me awful? Na, just human I guess. It just all comes back to Father Time. I look at the clock and it feels so late. It’s eight o’clock in the evening. Why is it so cruel. I’m defeated today. And that’s OK friends. If you feel defeated… it’s OK. We can’t take the good without the bad. And we can’t take the bad without the good. “If you’re going to take the bad… you have to take the good too”, a wise man once told me years ago after losing Jake. A pearl. He gave me that pearl. I’m giving it to you.

Thank you for coming with me on this endless journey. It means something to me. Peace be with you friends. Throw a lemon if you have to .

JHW+