My Pet Rock

Post 14

It’s such a strange place to be in, here. The world goes around everyday but everyday it stands still. For US. Over here on the dark side of the moon. Nothing really matters. If the sun shines or it rains all day. There’s a song…”It don’t matter to the sun”… I used to listen to it all the time. Now it has a whole new tune. “It just keeps on keeping time”… “it don’t matter to the world…if you stay or if you go… it don’t matter to the world, but it’ll be the end of mine. ”

A shattered world. A million little, tiny pieces. There’s nothing left but sounds and smells and faces. Some you need like farmers need rain. But how do you keep up? You know you’re losing ground everyday. For what? You won’t know until it’s too late. The fire that burned is gone. There’s barely an ember left. It hardly even smolders. Its just a wet pile of ash. Your life. There it is. Don’t get me wrong, please. I can see the beauty all around it. I do. I have been so graciously and undeserving-ly blessed with the family, the beautiful, wonderful children… my own and those who were not before mine… aaaaaand the grandchildren that make stars go dim in their presence. My mother. My brothers and sister. Our families. The friends and family who’ve become lifelines. The acquaintances who’ve become structural supports. I am eternally grateful for it all. The meaning to my life… has temporarily dissolved. I know He doesn’t mean forever. I know He has other works. I know He will give me a way. I also know that He knows what’s happened to my heart. To my soul. He surely must feel my pain. I pray He is forgiving and understanding of the idle in my time. Have you ever turned on a spigot that hasn’t run in a long time and it pours rusty, muddy looking water? And as you watch it you begin to wonder how long it will take it to run clean again? That’s life right now. Muddy. Rusty. Dirty. Unusable. So. You just gotta let it run. Im letting it run. I don’t know how long until it’s clean or clear again. It’s just gotta run. There’s definitely a feeling of waste watching the water roll out onto the ground- watching life as it passes you by. What else can you do? Gather it up for use on something? Plants don’t mind muddy water I guess. My mom doesn’t mind unintentional visits either I guess. You just do what you can… with what you can.

You know… when life is good and you’re thankful and you just get to wake up and do it? It’s so good. And you KNOW it. And how quickly it can change. I’ll be really honest with you. When I see old people who got all their lives together… I’m jealous. Im envious. I know that’s not right. But im being honest. God knows my heart. But I just don’t understand… why. I’ve never been one to ask ‘why not me?’…………… until now. I think I did a lot after Jake though… in time it eases up on you. You stop asking those questions as often. But im asking them again. I dare not ask in my life ‘what did I do?’ Again, God knows my heart. But… man those are tough ones to leave alone. How. How do you rake away all the dust and debris to start a new plot of life again? Well. Rome wasn’t built in a day. Gardens don’t grow overnight and everything… takes time. Oh time. Too fast when you love something. Too slow when it hurts. Time. Friend or foe? What is life anyway? When its good, don’t we all think we’ve got it figured out? I’ll tell you that when I had it good I KNEW IT and I probably held on to parts too hard. But I can confidently tell you that I was extraordinarily thankful everyday. Every. day. But it doesn’t stop a thing, does it. Doesn’t change fate if that’s what you believe in. Sounds grim… I’m sorry. Some days are easier to navigate. Today isn’t really one of those. I see bad things happen and people say things like “hug your babies a little tighter” and I reckon that’s a good reminder. But what if you never forget to hug them tighter? Just means live without regrets I think.

This ole rock is heavy today. I made myself put him in a sack and lug him anyway. I get a little sense of accomplishment lugging it anyway. I hate lying in bed with that stupid thing all day. Reminds me of that commercial where the little bladder tugs on the lady all day till she’s finally had enough and goes to the Dr. I don’t think my rock means to be so heavy. I think he tries to be easy with me. He’s never intentionally mean. He’s just HEAVY. He didn’t ask to be here either. But we’re stuck together now. And now you’re thinking… “she’s officially lost her mind” … Just over here sharing thoughts.

You might be carrying your own rock. Big or small… it’s yours and noone else’s. If you can let someone else hold it for you for a while, let them. I sure wish I could. But its never lost on me when I see so many trying to help carry him. Little things. Carrying the trash to the road. Making coffee in the morning. Feeding my dogs. There’s so many ways you can lighten someone’s load. You might think it’s nothing. It’s not nothing. My friend tells me everyday that I’m amazing. I know I’m not but it sure does feel good for her to reassure me I’m hanging in there pretty well. It doesn’t take much. She constantly tells me that she’ll carry 99% if I’ve just got 1%. Some days I might make a whole 50%! But hey… knowing someone else has got you no matter what you can give means the WORLD. Never ever think your words don’t matter… sometimes… Thats ALL that matters.

Peace be with you friends. My love… from me and my buddy, Pet Rock. JHW+