A Unique Trinity

Post 11

Ah, I have so much to share. I do not know where to begin. I have had a few people reach out to me in regards to my blog. I am actually blown away. I am humbled and honored. I am also inspired. So, Thank you for reading… thank you for offering words to me- that my words have touched you in some way or you have referred my writing to someone else in this world actually means THE WORLD to me. So by telling me that you have been helped… YOU have helped ME. What a wonderful gift. Thank you. Another well respected friend of mine opened my mind to a very interesting thought. I think that is what I would like to share. I have been so intrigued by this idea.

“A very unique Trinity” my friend told me as he pointed out the viewpoint I have been… graced with? Losing my son, my father and my husband. Three people who have made up a significant amount of my heart. My own unique trinity. He is right. I have vantage points from 3 extremely diverse places in the universe. This actually occurred to me recently when we had a Memorial Dove Hunt in Tennessee for my husband. It has been an annual tradition in our family for years and when my dad passed it became a memorial to him. This year in my husbands honor, he was added to the memorial banner along side my father. Friday night we did sort of a memorial celebration for the many, many friends Toddy has in Tennessee who were unable to come to Michigan in April. I wanted it to be a beautiful tribute to him and the others of ours who have gone too soon. We honored our beautiful, dear friend Mark, our friend Mr. Walt, of course, my father, a friend of the family who lost a too young family member only the day before the celebration very unexpectedly, my love and my son. I gathered as many pictures as I could select and send to Walgreens that afternoon of what I had on my phone. I just pointed and clicked as many as I could without too much regard to them as long as they involved dove hunting, farming, my TDW, my daddy, our Mark or my Jake. After decorating all afternoon, I raced home to shower, run to Walgreens and then made my way back to the barn to finish my project. I had grabbed a bunch of frames at the Dollar Tree and others here and there- because if you know me, you know why I love Emergency Nursing… last minute rushing! Why plan when you can do the same thing while your hair is on fire?? Honestly, I did not expect to spend this whole time in Tennessee. I had intended on going back to Michigan for a friend’s sons wedding but too many unforeseen obstacles arose. I had a zillion beautiful pictures and collages my daughter had done for the original celebration~ but here I was so I made chicken salad instead of chicken poo. But here was what I was TOTALLY NOT expecting. I sat down to throw some photos in frames. Photos I have looked at hundreds of times. As I rushed through the various sizes and faces… it occurred to me ….. There they all were. My unique trinity. My rushing slowed. My fingers began to stick to the paper. My mind started reeling. My eyes welled up. I looked slowly at each one now. My father in the prime of his life… enjoying his favorite past time. My son… as a small child with spent shot shells on his fingers, as a boy with a dirty face and mischievous grins as he posed in the barn with Todd’s boys and his sister so many years ago. As a teenager, smiling over his papa’s shoulder after being gifted his first/and only truck. My husband. My love. My new, glorious, wonderful life. And that was the moment that it was boldly before me. Why should anyone be doing this!? Oh and the photos of my daughter and her best friend, Papa ~ And Taryn’s daughter and her best friend, Granddad. It was an unbelievable moment. Nothing else mattered in that moment. That folks were showing up to celebrate great men did not matter at that moment. That I had done my makeup some justice for the first time in weeks didn’t matter. That a gathering of women had surrounded me to help me in my procrastinated attempt at getting these memories into frames to put color in a memorial that deserved all the sparkle we could manage did not stop the reality or breakdown that was now imminent. The band played some music- it was just a loud noise in my ears narrating a bloodletting of emotions going on right in front of them. I remember thinking that the music would drown out my sobs. So I let it go. I let it all out. No one tried to stop it and I was so grateful. No one could have stopped it. No one patted me in effort to stop the pain. No one tried to offer a word of assistance because they all knew there were none. They understood this moment and instead of trying to fix it… they absorbed it WITH me. But in that stark, ugly, mean, slobbering, growling, stinking truth of three deaths I have stared STRAIGHT in the FACE~ I felt a release. Here I was in front of so many people watching me as I strung up the pictures for them all to look at with tears spilling L’oreal black mascara all over my face and my cries that came from the pit of my guts… and the people simply helped me. They handed me pictures. They handed me paper towels for my wet face. They tied bows in the ribbons. Grown men reached up where I could not and tied knots into twine with tears streaming down their own faces because they understood. Women scurried around handing me photograph after photograph and also placing them in places I could not focus on as the band ~ played on. And they felt it with me. And I felt it with them. And we all knew that it was completely validated in our souls. There was a huge unspoken conversation all of their hearts had with mine right then. I have been through a lot and I am not sure I have ever experienced that kind of gravity with others before. There was a moment at Jake’s memorial that was similar-Second Chance (if you were there you know). For about ten minutes I think I absorbed the heaviest part of my life. It was like trying to swallow that gravel in the barn parking lot. I want you to understand that though it is quite obvious if you know my “story” that this was now “part of my story”—but— this was just the first time it was staring me back in the face. They were all three staring me back in the face.

So what do I have to say about all of that. First of all that I find it perplexing and incredible that my friend had the mind’s eye to see what I was taking 5 months to comprehend. The second thing I want to convey is that the piece of advice I got in the Onsite Workshop video about “letting your body lead you through grief”… was in full force whether I liked it or not. And lastly, sometimes doing nothing is the entire answer to grief. No words can be said. No words need be said. But the hearts spoke volumes. So when your loved one or even a mere acquaintance is delivering their “story” to you the best thing you can do is to let them. Let them give it to you. Accept it as a gift that you have been given to help them bear it. Let their body feel it and do your best to just feel it with them. Words are not necessary as often and as urgently as we feel the need to find them remember… there are none. No words can fix what is spoken only in the heart. A gentle look letting them know it is ok to go on with their story. A soft smile of understanding. A tissue to wipe their tears. I will not forget that moment of souls surrounding mine offering tangible, visceral, emotional understanding. I dried my face, redid my makeup and went on in the evening as planned to honor those who have been so dear to me and closest to my heart who have gone first. And it was a beautiful, perfect evening. Let it come… then let it go.

I feel that going into my own unique trinity will be a lengthy thing to do. I really do not know where to begin except that I think I just did. That must be the beginning to this unraveling of a paradigm I would never have imagined myself in at any point in my life. Ignorance is bliss and a gift in ways that God does give us to try and focus on today and present daily life rather than have any conception of what is to come. There is also so much incomprehension to what has already come to pass in life. So many questions we as humans will strive all of our lives in vain to answer. We cannot. Everything in life must come back to one simple word. Faith. Any comparisons or slight understandings we may think we have of this life will ultimately fall back on that one word. My unique trinity, for example, is a direct reflection of the only reason I am able to write about the tragedies my life has seen. My Holy Trinity. The Father, The Son and the Holy Spirit. All of whom have held me in their hands. At what I would have thought before these things had happened to me- that my faith would be diminished in the face of adversity- has been the diametrical opposite. It has been strengthened. I experienced what I “thought” were adversities before I ACTUALLY faced a real one. I think this is what we do mostly as mortal sinners. We live life in such a way that small things seem large and it isn’t until a major catastrophe occurs that we are taught on a much larger level that most things really don’t matter. So the dog peed in the floor… again. So the dude cut you off in the turning lane. So your so called friend shunned you because you indulged in the pre-provided alcohol at a wedding instead of celebrating the fact that your “friend” has showed up and is celebrating you. Petty bullsh*t. When you must walk on this side of life you begin to recognize those who understand this side of life. You know them at once. Because they do not allow such petty strife in life to puncture the protective bubble that they have established around their sanity. If they do… then they have not yet reached the sanctity of what was given upon crossing to this other side. Perhaps they have not yet crossed. Perhaps they have not faced the Spirit or accepted that it is the bigger picture in life that actually matters. I used to tell my daughter after we lost the one most important person in OUR lives when she would tell me of silly “girl drama” as we all experienced in high school – I would say, “Aren’t you glad they don’t know what we know? Aren’t you glad for them that this pettiness seems real and important to them?” Because we KNEW the other side of life. We Knew what real adversity felt like and looked like. But I WAS glad for them. I was glad that they got to have the ignorant bliss we are so afforded as humans. Once you cross over into the darker/lighter side, depending on your perspective I suppose, you realize that all of the important things can be snagged away from you overnight. In an instant. In the blink of an eye, you now have a before and after point from which to narrate your own existence. Not everyone does. Many more do than you know. So in such a cliche’ way… remember the words…” be kind, you do not know what someone else is going through”. That is until you have your own extraordinary circumstance to navigate and then you cry at the kindness of a stranger. You feel blessed to offer kindness to another. The world has new meaning. You can choose to be bitter and miss the bigger gift of something beautiful amidst the mess. My love had his own extraordinary circumstances to circumvent. Throughout his life, he would not dwell on it but revel in what was wonderful. He learned and recognized very early in life that he could choose. He praised God in his heart every day. He was by no means perfect but he celebrated the goodness in the faces of adversity that he had overcome. I think of it often as I walk this path under my own feet. I may never master the art as he did but I do my best to seek what it is that he found.

So for today, I shall leave you with the introduction to my new found “gift”. As my friend pointed out to me… I have the unique ability to find a way to give to others what I can from this vantage point. It may or may not be unique. Upon following other grievers in support groups I am learning that there are tragedies that far exceed my own. Losing your husband and your child to a house fire. Losing 5 family members in the span of months. Cleaning up a mess after your own brother lost his battle to mental illness in order to spare your mother the unthinkable pain. These are all unbearable. Unfathomable. How can this be? ” Why was this given to ME”, I wonder if that is what they are thinking. I do believe He gives to those who can… Toddy’s favorite thing to say was “God will not place on you more than you can handle”. I am sure I am not the only one who questions that as well. Perhaps he is right. As I have said before, life is ever changing. Life is evolving. We were never meant to remain the same. As the seasons change around us year after year…so should we. Each year the trees bring about a bigger version of themselves. More. Every year they become more. Or they die. Each year, the perennials you planted last season grow MORE. They become more abundant, more prolific. If not, then they die. We are God’s creation. Should we not expect the same of ourselves? When you stop the self reflection and you stop seeking the bigger picture… we die. Maybe it will take years for the actual physical death of the body. But dying inside… in the heart, in the soul is much more tragic than the death of our ever aging human existence.

Peace be with you today friends. Thank you for coming along. Find the bigger picture today. Rise above what does not matter. I’ll be back to explore my “unique trinity” as it comes to me. JHW