Cowboys

Post 10

I never looked twice at a farm boy. A cattle guy. Anyone from my father’s world could NOT catch my attention. B O R I N G…. I knew him for twenty years. Not one second glance. Although I will say that there was ONE time I watched him with my dad….. YEARS before US…. and I remember thinking ” I hope I find someone like Todd Ward someday “. Maybe it was my brother… not Brian… that other one who instigates… and his friends who used to aggravate me about this one particular boy~ always acting like we were sweethearts or something during 4-H cattle events. Ooooh I’d Get so mad!!! So for sure I was NEVER gonna fit in with these guys.

Then one day. I did. I COULD NOT BELIEVE what I had been missing😃 ! More fun than even I could think of!!! (girls… 1st don’t judge a book by its cover…2nd find a smart cattle buyer. That is all.) I was hooked. So from a completely taken off guard girl who was in no way looking your way … here’s how he was ALWAYS. The MAN.

I started this last night after a glass of wine… or three. I knew this was coming. All the feels. You think you are prepared. You’ve done this before. You know what it is. The strange thing is that my body and soul know what’s about to happen long before my mind and heart catch up. The nervies. The anxiety. The anticipation. The long days. The longer nights. The short sleep. The too long naps. The drags. The sorrows. It’s like you hit the rumble strips but you didn’t even know you were close to the side- (actually the rumble strips are in the middle of the road in Michigan so you don’t cross the center during a snow storm- come to think of it, they should have them on the side of the roads too, huh). I keep blaming everything else. “Maybe it’s allergies. Maybe I just am exhausted from waking up at 3 am and not returning to sleep. Maybe I’m just this out of shape. Maybe it’s the “change”. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe”. But in reality, I know what it is. I guess I just WANT it to be something else. Something fixable. Something that a good night’s rest will cure. Something a tiny over the counter pill will fix. Something a prescription would fix. But… I know. So I make a post about him. I write a blog about him. I reach out to a friend who I know gets it. I lie down in the middle of the day with my best fur friends. And then… I wonder why. Why do I do it? It doesn’t really help. It doesn’t solve anything. It makes me feel weak. It makes me feel needy. It makes me feel ABNORMAL. None of those things do I WANT to be. Desperation makes us a lot of things perhaps we do not want to be. We reason with anything during this time. I use writing, be it text, hand written notes, blogs, facebook posts, instagramming… all to communicate feelings. I use words. Not so much verbally. Just written out so I can see them and touch them. So I can walk away from them and then return to them when I am ready. I look at them over and over. I focus on them. I concentrate on the right ones. I also let my mind wander freely over the keyboard. I like to use astrology and say it is because I am a Gemini and we got the gift of communication. And that our minds are in a constant state of “go” and that the inquisitive side of us must use what we have to untangle messes that the flighty side of us creates in our natural state of chaos. Sometimes it feels wrong. I have grown in my confidence to share these treasured words with you. But, sometimes it feels wrong. I feel that I knowingly place my burden on your plate. Why do I do that? People carrying this much grief feel so out of place in the world. We totally do. We try to show up and sit with the cool kids at lunch or jump in line to play dodge ball knowing we REALLY don’t want to take another one to the face just for the sake of “looking normal”. 🙂 But it is only on the every now and again that I feel I am giving you a burden you did not ask to have. I most often feel that what I am doing is giving OUR story. Giving the people like me something they can relate to and I can show them they are not alone. But I am also… desperate. Desperate to find something to lessen this pain. Some way to let it out. It is almost 5 months. In my world… I am not even sure I am yet even AWARE. I know it. I feel it. But what ever makes the reality stick? Why would I want it to? So that I may begin to find a “new kind of normal”? So that I can figure out who I am again? Perhaps. Last time I talked about time and how we have absolutely no control of it. Time will be the only thing I can count on to ease this shattered heart. Sadly… time will go to slowly for this task. It is the watch pot that never boils. As long as you stand there waiting for it, it will never be. It is when we stop looking and focus on something else that it will slip away from us. But what else is there to do but watch it? What else can occupy this place that is the same as the thing that empires once were or the dinosaurs that are now extinct. It will never be a kingdom like that again. I know if you are a believer there will be a kingdom unlike any before in eternity. Another concept that is too great to absorb during this time. It is hard to see the light of the kingdom when you can’t even see the sun light from the depths you have found yourself in now. Faith. Yes, I am so thankful to have faith in my heart because it can see what it is that I cannot right now. I am thankful that it has remained constant. God is good, I know.

I so want to be giving happiness instead. I so long to bring sunshine instead of rain. I will again. I will.

So, I will give you a little something that brings me much joy… Him. Let me tell you about him in present tense though. Let’s not refer to him as … was, ok? Because, you know what? He always will be these things. He was and will forever be this person to me and many who know him. He. is. the. MAN. He takes care of everyone. He takes care of anyone. He thinks of things before others do. He takes action before most. He is ahead of the game. He is always thinking one step ahead. He knows what is needed before it is necessary. He provides. To those who need it and many who don’t know they do and some who will never appreciate him for it but he won’t care. He gives. He gives everything he has and everything of himself. He KNOWS who he is. He never questions himself because the good in his heart guides him above all. He loves. He loves the best of all. He loves with every fiber in his being. There is not a soul left unloved if you have been in his company. He is not afraid. He leads with confidence because he is not afraid. He takes risks because he loves the adrenaline and also the gains it brings to those he puts his neck on the line for. His word is his honor. He never changes to suit a situation but remains true to himself and never, ever backs up. “We don’t back up Linda”… I so often heard him say. If he tells you he will be there, he will be there. Whatever he tells you, you can bank on it. He always says the truth. Like it or lump it, you can always rely on his truth. He is honest, honorable and fair. He is opinionated and fierce. He is staunch in what he believes and “never backs up” from it. He loves God. He loves God and gives thanks for all he has been given. He is kind. He is solid. He is strong. He protects. He viciously protects especially those close to him. He is the kind of friend a friend would want to have at all times. Is he perfect? Well… to me, yes. If you can check all these boxes about yourself or about the person in your life then you definitely have a keeper. Hold on tight… it may be a wild ride but I can guarantee it will be fun. He’s like hangin’ on to a wild horse. Free, unbridled and wild. Wonderfully made. So, if they still make ’em anymore… look for that diamond in the rough. The one you were least expecting. The one who doesn’t make a splash just to be seen. Find the strong and steady and if you are lucky, the one who never got broke in the ring. He won’t be easy to find because he never really wants to be seen. He’s the strong one sitting in the back with his eyes straight ahead but an unmistakable grin on his face. I’ve only known a few of those and most of them are together right now in Heaven outbidding each other on whatever today’s excitement brought. There are a few left here… many are already snatched up by some lucky gal. I know ONE… if you think you can call me step momma in law…. hahahaha… if he happened upon this reading which he probably will not, he’s got one of those grins on right now too. Here’s to the rambler. Here’s to the unruly but true. Here’s to the true of heart. Here’s to the greatest American cattleman~ Our Holstein King… and yours too, even if he’s wearing tennis shoes right now. Now see… I feel better already. Let’s all pull on our bootstraps and find that fire that he stokes every single day… if not in our own life, do it in someone else’s today. Peace be with you all friends. Thanks for riding along. Now give a little rebel yell…. CHARGE! 🙂 JHW