Invisible.

Post 8

You know what I think I hate almost as much as him being gone? Being invisible. No, I don’t have a super power… I have a “condition”. The funny thing to me is that life just rolls on like a freight train. Never stops to let you off. You just gotta keep rolling on with everybody else. Carrying this big huge bag of shit. But nobody can see your bag of shit you carry all day everyday because you hide it with your invisibility. It becomes nothing just like dust in the wind. You keep plowing through this glass laden lava… You know that saying, ” I would walk on glass through hell on Sunday for you”… Ok, maybe I made up some of that. Maybe it’s just “I’d walk through hell for you and twice on Sunday”. I don’t really know but that is what it feels like. Maybe that’s what it is. Maybe grief is walking through hell on Sunday every day you live for the person you love. Maybe it’s just what you have to do for them. I mean I don’t think we got a choice anyway. But hell isn’t always fiery burning glass under your feet. Hell is trying to stay on that train without being noticed. Trying to just get on with it because well, you didn’t get a choice now did you. If only it was just that easy. And you want to so bad you start to wonder, why it isn’t just that damn easy? And then one day the rain comes. And you would think that would be a good thing going through hell on Sunday, right? No. It’s worse. It makes everything a mess and the progress you THOUGHT you made just comes washing down around your feet and now it’s a nasty mess on Sunday. So you see, there is no right solution. Once you get used to the glass and the ripping and the burning all of the sudden you get flooded with something new and now you have a new dilemma to navigate. One minute you are on fire and the next minute you are drowning. I realize that most of my posts have been about the feeling of drowning. In the past many weeks since I wrote about the Bends, I have experienced the hot sands of the desert. What a dichotomy. Makes no sense does it? To go from one extreme to the other. These are all metaphors of course. I am relating what life feels like to me to something most people can imagine in their mind. Something visceral and tangible you can actually imagine feeling. Because for some people they do not know this side of life. For some people they know all too well this side of life and hopefully a written word will help them to organize their emotions to explain to others. For some people… I believe they have absolutely no capacity for either emotion. Wonder what you do with that? I have no idea how to identify myself right now but I’m thinking I am on the emotional side today? No?

How do you go from drowning to being thrown onto the desert sand burning in the hot sun? Well, I think you go from being overcome with so much emotion that it engulfs you like the sea. Somehow you make your way to the top and then find yourself suddenly looking for an oasis. At first you are surrounded by so much new emotion that there is too much to comprehend. Your life hit a brick wall and shattered in an instant. Everything you knew before that minute is gone. The thing you held on to is no longer. You grasp all around you to find something familiar to hold onto. And then the familiar becomes unfamiliar. It becomes alien to you. Because it does not fit into the same place it did before. It has either become much more valuable to the point you are desperate to hold it tight or it has become insignificant and you know you should hold on to it but it really makes no difference to you anymore. Time keeps rolling and you keep trying. Then it gets dry and hot. You find yourself in a strange place you thought you knew but actually you do not. It looked like a place you knew but it was only a mirage. Once you reach it there is actually nothing there. Your surroundings are barren and unfamiliar. You do not recognize anything as you did before. The comforts you once knew are gone. You have found yourself in the hot sand. No one can help you. You look upon every dune and every valley for the answer or someone who has it and there is none. The ones who always did do not always now. In my world, they, too, have found themselves in their own desert full of tumbleweeds. How can you ask of another who finds themselves in a Sunday hell of their own.

Today. My basement flooded. Again. >sigh< I know. It is just a problem. But, see… I have been working for two weeks to get this basement livable again. Usable. It has also not rained during that time. I was not aware of the problem that was lurking ahead. Yes, it has flooded before but I just haven’t seen it this bad in some time. I cannot understand nor figure out from where or why this continues to happen. It’s a million dollar rain Toddy would say… because it’ll make the crops grow for the farmers. There’s plenty of reasons that it floods but sometimes its worse than others. Of course we all have our speculations but then the rain stops and it is forgotten. There was no forgetting it today because it has rained buckets all day. Today. I felt sorry for myself. Today I threw myself a big ole pity party in the shower after trying to squeegie (is that a word?) three inches of water from my basement garage. I cried and wondered why do I have to keep getting pushed back on my own ass just to get up again? So you know what I did? I drove straight to the liquor store and bought 2 bottles of wine. That’ll fix it. What else can you do? I mean I know that my daughter and her boyfriend, God love them, felt like we were the little boy with his finger stuck in the dam that was about to break. What the hell are we pushing all this water out the door for when more just keep rushing in behind it? There was no end to it. So I showered. I went to buy wine. As I sat in the parking lot about to go in I saw the clerk come out to greet what must have been a familiar face to him. This person was in a … what do you call it? Like a hoverround…. You know those things people ride on in grocery stores that cannot walk around the whole store by themselves. I watched as he gave this person a fist bump. They chatted for a moment and I really don’t know if there was an exchange of anything other than courtesies. Remember, I was having my OWN troubles and wasn’t paying close attention to anyone else. Until I got out of my Tahoe and watched as this stranger exited the parking lot on their power assisted “wheelchair” of sorts. The person disappeared from under the parking light. Upon checking out with my not one but my TWO bottles of frooffy wine… I knew that the man noticed my tear stained face and swollen eyes. He said “How are you?”. I replied, “It’s been a day”. He returned with “I am guessing not a good day”. I proceeded to tell him of my flooded basement and as he returned the change from my money I felt slightly ashamed of myself. I thought… I have a house. With a basement. That flooded. And I jumped into my CAR. And bought wine… with my MONEY. And I returned to my HOUSE. With the flooded basement. And here I sit on my porch as it rains yet even more and undoubtedly flooding the shit out of my basement again. And this song plays in my head… you won’t know it unless you know bluegrass but you can certainly Youtube it for yourself and I highly suggest that you do. When you feel like throwing YOURSELF a big ole pity party, play it. It’s a song by the infamous Dave Evans “Drink up and go Home” -…my favorite of all time. The words that keep repeating in my mind sound like this… “Well, Don’t tell me your troubles…. I got enough of my owwwwwwwn. Be thankful your livin….. Drink up and go hooooommmmme. ” My favorite part of the song is when he sings…”back there sits a blind man…. so blind he can’t seeeeee… yet he’s not complainin… why should you or meeeeeee… So don’t tell me your troubles…. I got enough of my owwwwwn….. be thankful your livin…drink up and go hommmme.” So. I have calmed down from my shower pity party. Is it the wine or the realization that I am not riding a hover round to either visit the store clerk for a fist bump or perhaps a fifth of cheap alcohol. I have no idea and cast no judgement either way. But I can feel the presence of my mentor. My guide. My love. My best friend. Placing my favorite Dave Evans song in my mind to remind me that I am not cursed. I am not unfortunate. I am still blessed. And even though I could hear the devil telling me that I hate my life right now and that everything sucks… There is an angel … of sorts 😉 reminding me that I am not alone. I am not forsaken. I will prevail. I will have… FAITH. I am reminded of the day we listened to this song driving up 11-E to meet my father who was going through his own troubles of dialysis to go to an auction. I can still see the overcast day. I can still hear us singing to the top of our lungs. I can still see the gentle but strong jaw of the man that led me to the best place in my soul. He is here. Still guiding me. Still instilling in me. He gave me a lifetime of lessons in such a short time.

So, I haven’t forgotten the invisibility. May I elaborate? When people near you are caught up in their own tumbleweeds of life maybe they forget that you are looking like a cartoon wrapped up in a barbed wire fence on the border of Texas, tumbleweeds covering everything but your eyeballs. It is hard to keep it in focus that “they have their own troubles too”. I get angry when I try so hard to keep up with the living. It truly touches my soul when someone from the ‘living world” slows down and asks me genuinely if I am ok… Or simply recognizes that life kinda sucks right now. I’ve run as fast as I can for as long as I can. I wanna be done now. But I wont. For long. But I will remember that this is MY trouble. This is MY life … now. And be it what it may… I AM… still blessed. Because at the end of this day… and only 1/4 a bottle of cheap wine… I still choose God. I still choose Faith. The wounds are very sore today. All the scabs just slowly tore away with each push of water from my basement with a squeegie. It didn’t feel good. It actually hurt a lot. But He… and he… did not give me the gifts that cannot be seen for me to forget. So I may be invisible to some. I may have to be only visible to myself at times. But I have a house. With a basement. That is flooded. And a dry bed with feathers on it to crawl into. Two furry friends that lie beside me and breathe the same air I do while keeping a close watch on the door as I sleep and greet me with morning smiles and stretches. A daughter who fights everyday too. For me. For herself. For whatever confronts her that day… but I tell you… she FIGHTS. Everyday. Invisible. And Broken.

I am also blessed with a broken heart from the greatest love I could ever have wanted. And I thank God for the AC that maintains a solid 68 degrees much to my daughter’s shigrin. I have food in my pantry. I have coffee to wake up to. I have air in my lungs. I have a back that I can feel growing stronger every day that I use it. I have made a new friend who recognizes that accomplishment and praises me for it… Thank you Chike. I Have. So. Much. I have a God that will not fail me. I have real tears that fall from my eyes. I Have. So. Much. I have children I did not birth. I have grandchildren I would give any part of myself for. I Have. So. Much. So the pity party did not win today. The Sunday Hell drew from my lips words that should have been left unspoken. But… God knew them before I did. He knew my struggle. He gave me much to be reminded of… in a parking lot… of a liquor store… if you don’t open your eyes, friends…. you will not see. “So there sits a blind man… so blind he cant see……… yet he’s not complainin……. why should you or me?????” I’ll fix my basement. Because I have people who suffer their own tumbleweeds who will see past them to see me. I will not be invisible to those like me. I. Have. So Much. It’s just a problem… said the man with the pearl, as he kicked his own tumbleweed to the side. It’s rainin’ today…. so? I so vividly remember waking up to a pearl about rain. I did not know I would be going to bed with one so similar yet so different.

Thank you for coming with me. God bless you on your Sunday through hell on a Wednesday. Jake’s favorite quote was Winston Churchill’s … “If you’re going through hell… keep going”. Peace be with you. Fix your basement.

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