Lifejackets!

Post # 2

Thank you all so much for the overwhelming response to my terrifying baby step into this new world of writing OUT LOUD. You have just all become the tremendous life saving devices that are keeping me afloat in the beginning of this venture. I was so scared I would jump into that giant pool from that super high dive and sink straight to the bottom but instead my friends have surrounded me and popped me right out above the this sea of fear, anxiety, sorrow and uncertainty. Thank you. With sincere appreciation, thank you for the beautiful words of encouragement. Know that by your support you are healing a wound that will never return to it’s original piece of me that was given to me so innocently when God sent me into this world. I doubt any of us still have that whole piece but I suppose that is what this life is about. Weathering storms and coming out new, restored and hopefully -and with great intent- to become closer to the person God had wished for me to be.

People have asked me “Why Letters to Linda”? So in my intro I explained that the nickname that stuck to us both was Linda because of the video of the little boy who was trying to reason with his mom about getting donuts. If you haven’t seen it you can YouTube it under “Listen Linda”. It just became something we used on each other often as most other people probably have done too. So in everyday life we would say, “Linda, what do you want to do for dinner?” or “I love you, Linda”. My good friend had a necklace inscribed with “I love you!!! Your Linda” in his own handwriting taken from a Valentine’s Day card. It was just what we did. Pet names. So as I sat in my bed about 3 or 4 weeks after his leaving, I wanted so badly to talk to him. I wanted to text with him. So the only thing I could think of to do was to get out my old laptop and start writing him letters. And thus was born… “Letters to Linda”. I did not begin this blog with the first letter to him because I felt that there should be a ground zero for us to begin from together. You, my cherished reader, and I side by side at the starting line waiting for the gun to go off signaling we could all “go!” from the same place. I feel that I will share those letters from time to time as they become relevant to our recovery. They are personal but so is everything else I am putting in black and white so I will not keep them from you if it has the possibility of helping you by reading them.

We had other names for one another as well. It’s so funny because rarely did we ever speak one another’s names. Maybe it is that way for all couples. My love was often my favorite. Almost as frequently as we used Linda we called each other simply… “Buddy”. Because we were just that. Buddies. We had such a fun life. Inseparable as we could possibly be outside of his job which required his actual presence in the thumb of Michigan on Mondays, Tuesdays and some Wednesdays. Given the time of year it was that was subject to change. He did so much business just on his phone leaving us free to roam and we did so without leaving each others side. Buddies.

In my intro, I read back over it and realize that while there has been a lot of grief to overcome there has also been a lot of good to go with it. I will always try to give you something to accompany the sad. If there is a valley so there shall too be a mountain- I suppose we can all interpret which of those is good and which is bad. I think I see it as a high and a low. Early in my process after losing Jake, a therapist gave me what my brother and I would come to call “Pearls”. Pearls of wisdom. Something to put in your pocket and take with you. After this gentle man sat and listened to me for an hour he handed me my pearl before I left. I will give it to you today. During times of grief and sorrow we tend to feel the bad so much more than the good. Feeling the good becomes very difficult. FINDING the good can be even harder. So what we must remember is this. If we are going to take all the bad, we must also take the good. So to whatever is ailing us in this moment, there should also be a pearl underneath the muck and grime waiting to be uncovered, washed clean, polished and left for us to revel in its beauty. So while we are having those moments that seem like they are the absolute pit of hell that we will never come out of… keep looking for the pearl down there. Its alright to go to the depths. That’s where the treasures are found. Keep remembering that as your heart is breaking it is also letting the bad stuff out. Purging. It is when we keep it wrapped so tightly that the physical pain only becomes worse. I despise crying. I really do. It makes me mad. I typically do not cry in the presence of others either. It is when I can fully embrace the “thing” alone that I will allow the tears to come. Until that time, I can feel a dull ache in the middle of my sternum. It is hot, angry, hollow and bursting at the same time…so twisted and wretched and wrong. When I allow myself the inevitable meltdown I can feel the undoing of the pain. Like the stitches holding my heart together have come undone and all that poison is finally pouring out through the corners of my eyes. It is utterly exhausting. But I am renewed again for my soul to start stitching together a better, healthier heart. It will happen over and over and over again. I imagine myself as Sarah from Nightmare before Christmas. Constantly sewing myself back together…

I simply came here to thank you today for welcoming me, accompanying me, supporting me and cheering for me to continue to “Heal with Intention”. I have reached for your hand and you returned to me with both of yours. And so with that, I have latched YOU to myself as we step through this looking glass to find what awaits us on the other side. Bless your day and you. Take your free pearl today and carry it in your pocket. When you feel bad… also remember to feel the good.