It is such a quandary, deciding whether to talk about IT or… not to talk about IT. Do I? Don’t I? Either way, there’s really no way of escaping it. It comes every year. January 28. THE absolute worst day of my life. For the longest time I would just black this day completely out on my planner. Finally, I stopped doing that because it didn’t erase the day as I would hope. The day my child went on back home. Jake. Jacob Hunter. Becky never forgets to say his name. That was a huge deal for me in the beginning. That everyone remember. Say his name so we never forget. And we do say his name. Often. In normal talk… we say his name. And here’s the thing… and maybe this is why God puts these things on my heart to talk about- so maybe somebody else will read it and feel it and find some comfort, some reassurance, some SOMETHING they’ve been needing to survive. So. I guess we’re gonna talk about it. And with these stupid tears in my way, let me tell you the thing.
The thing is- nobody forgets. Nobody forgets them. The thing you fear, that they will get lost in the universe of emptiness and be forgotten is truly a myth. It simply won’t happen. As a matter of fact, quite the opposite happens really. They live on. In a certain infamy. Never left behind but carried forward with the rest of us here without them. The friends who shared the classrooms and hallways in school become something of your own. They each and every one who wrap their arms around you bring that piece of him into your arms. That one knowing look we share of why we are bonded now for life. I don’t know if they feel it like I do but there are a few of his friends that I see from time to time that carry that same look and that same embrace and I KNOW… they know. It’s in the stories I still hear about him. It’s the people who have surrounded me that aren’t afraid to remember and laugh together with me. It’s in the people who have remained true in my life that are willing to share this day by text, hug, or even nothing but not really reminding me but just being PRESENT in my life because this day changed our lives forever and together we will not forget the gravity of that day.
15 years. I know… I can’t believe it either. In the beginning I could not begin to imagine this much time going by. Every minute felt like too far away from him. I remember cringing at the thought of time passing. It was a real FEAR. Actual terror. If you could imagine the most terrifying thing you had to face and knowing there wasn’t a dang thing you could do about it… like that time Gina Summie made me get on the Tennessee Tornado or whatever that stupid roller coaster is in Dollywood when we went as chaperones for Jake and Justin in kindergarten! I’m ridiculously terrified of heights and that falling feeling right when the rollercoaster tips the summit and over it goes. Like I can’t stand it! Yea- its like getting strapped in and as it slowly pulls away from the loading dock……. tick tick tick toward that steep climb and there is… nothing. I. Can. Do. I can’t get off. I can’t say stop. I can’t wake up! We’re in it to win it now. I could almost pass out from the dread. I think I know but the anticipation is brutal. That’s the feeling. The will to stop time. Because in your mind the more time that passes… the longer it will have been since the last time you were together. The last everything. Tick. Tick. Tick. Up. Up. Up. Can’t even see the top anymore. I’m so scared I am panicking. That’s where you are the first year. The second year. The third year. Then… you crest the top of a mountain you never thought you’d see. You’ve made it this far in fear. Of all the unknowns. And over you go. You fall fast. It takes your breath. You grip anything you can. But you have no control. You’re falling into nothingness. How will this stop?! And just when you think you can’t take it one more second, it’s over. Then the loops come and the speed comes and you let go of yourself because the worst is over. And you realize… 15 years is gone. And life has carried on. And he’s still with me. And on the days that I don’t focus on the fall… I enjoy the ride. There are days. That I can still feel the fall. But I focus on the parts I like instead. And I find joy in those things. Immense. Tremendous. Joy. Because… I hate that fall. And I know… life is full of them. So I try not to pay attention as much to the tick tick tick because there’s not much I can do about that part. What I remember about that ride that day was how exhilarating the rest of the ride was and how quickly the part I liked went by… the good part was over too soon.
I think there’s plenty of morals to this story. 1. The things your fear the most won’t happen (this is outside of the thing you just endured) 2. It’s all scary in the beginning. 3. It does become a part of you. It’s not necessarily easier but it becomes … a part of you like your own arm or leg and you tend to it as necessary. 4. You must live. Living the life God has you here for is to honor them. Honor God. Honor your living children and family. And it in no way means you forget them or do not cherish them just as much every day you live. 5. Your life will never be the same and you will walk outside the lines of those who haven’t felt the dreaded fall. And those who don’t get the impact of the fall,well, they will forget you. They will forget how it changed you because it did not change them you see. The empathy you thought they had was something else. You have to let go of that too. Because there becomes us and them. Us… we’ve seen the world actually fall apart and stop turning. It took more than we thought we could bear to get the world to spin again. We have compassion for the broken because we’ve been there. We hold tight to important things because we know how valuable they really are. It’s just different over here. Them: get caught up in the worldly. Forget that pain we endured because it obviously wasn’t the same pain. Carry on in their own world stomping on flowers they never take the time to notice. But again. Heres the thing. Rejoice in what they don’t know. Be happy for them that they get to live that ignorant bliss. Don’t blame them for what they cannot comprehend. Find some pride in the fact that you have seen the worst and survived to find sincerity, honesty and what is actually real in the world. Not everyone gets to see it. Focus on the ride… do your best to handle the fall and … live.
in 15 years not one day has passed without you in it. Because you are a part of me. There. I talked about it. I know if you knew him, My Jake, you did not forget him.
JCH+
Previously Letters to Linda 