Growth Alone

Fifty one years. I feel like I’ve been trying to understand life for 51 years. Do we ever, really? I’m always seeking that one person who can define it or sum it up in few enough words to actually hold my attention. I will say that age brings something. I’m not sure if it’s wisdom but definitely something. I believe if you’re not seeking some kind of truth you’re not getting it though. I believe that life is meant to be the ultimate learning process. I believe if you don’t change over your years then that is your only real failure. This leaves me thinking of my grandparents. Such great people I remember. They were all great as I recall. My maternal grandfather especially. He just seemed the epitome of goodness. They all had wonderful qualities but he seemed to strive for goodness. He didn’t just attend church but he worked in the community to produce good to be passed down through generations. He never swore or drank or smoked. He was humble… and kind. He had the most gentle soul. It was apparent that all of his siblings that I came to know were made from the same goodness. But you know… I only knew him as my grandfather. He was old and wise by the time I came along. But here’s the thing. Of all the stories told of him, by himself, his children, his friends, family or acquaintances… there was never a variation of the person he had always been. So then how does someone born of such goodness become better? Someone who seemed to never be anything BUT good. Can I imagine what he might have struggled with in his life that caused his own growth? Which just posed the question to me… without struggle, is there growth? Of course he had struggles. I’m sure of it. We all must… mustn’t we? I personally know of only a couple he may have been dealt. He outlived his oldest child and survived the passing of his wife. Definite strife. I know by experience. I was old enough and close enough to him to know he was changed by her death…and surely his son’s but I wasn’t around him enough then to see as I was absorbed in my own toddler son at the time. He was certainly sad. I saw him appear somewhat… depressed? But his goodness did not waiver. He never, ever became unkind. What can I glean from his life of good? That he was human despite my inclination that he was saintly. He lived which meant he experienced tough times. My gosh… he was born in the early 1900’s- he lived 87 years, some in obvious tough times. He witnessed so much in that time. Regardless of what I personally know of him, I could see, visibly, his faith. Everyone could. It was never a question. Here’s what I can take away. Life is our OWN journey to explore. There is not another soul on earth that can walk it FOR you. There may be many who walk it WITH YOU at various moments along the way. Your parents. Your siblings. Your children. Your spouse. Your friends. Your dog. But the only consistent constant…is YOU. And here is where I should insert ( and God)… as the cursor blinks back at me… as if God is waiting for my next line- give me a moment to get to Him, please. I feel in our desperate hours we as humans tend to wonder where He is. So there are times on our individual paths when we find ourselves alone. For me those are the particular times that I break out my box full of pity party decorations. Party for one but sometimes invitations are randomly thrown out just to see if anyone will show up. I have been blessed to be accompanied many times at these glorious events and have learned that if I’m willing to listen… I’m learning from someone who cared enough to show up to a dank basement, cold and uninviting, to sit beside me as I picked all the petals off the flowers in the dark beside the garbage can. If you find someone who will do that with you then by all means you owe it to them to listen. And if you’re the one willing to show up… you owe it to be honest, kind and gentle. Isn’t that growth? On both parts? But it is when you’re completely alone… When even YOU don’t want to show up at your own pity party- when the words from NOONE can help———– you realize. This. Is. Your. Journey. Alone. When you find yourself there and you can wrestle those demons of struggle around by yourself, getting pinned by both shoulders on the ground and then slowly feeling your strength rally from inside and you make your way free for the first time ever! That alone feels different. It is in THAT alone you find yourself. When you can be comfortable alone in your mind that you know you’ve grown.

I ran into a friend the other day who looked at me and simply said, “I have no words to comfort you”, referring to the recent loss of my mom. I sighed and smiled and said “Nobody does. I feel like I’ve done this so many times now but even I don’t know the words.” Talk about feeling alone, ah! losing your lifelong bff, first bff, best bff, one and only mother will leave you a tiny island in a vast motherless ocean. Here’s the thing. And here’s where I cannot deny that God is ever present. God has been equipping me all along in various ways. Mostly. In my alone time. He showed up and was listening in my darkest hours. He helped me acknowledge things that were difficult for me to accept. He rode with me in my car as I screamed in pain…alone. yes I’ve done this more than I care for but in all of those times I can tell you unequivocally He gave me gifts in the struggle. He gave me a pillow for my broken heart to rest. He gave me words to help relieve my mind. In all my life… I may never have felt so alone. But in all my life… I have just known, He was there.

Life. Synonymous with change. Life. Simple or complex. Life is infinitely ours to OWN. Firstly and lastly… alone. In Christ.

Amen. JHW+