Blueprints

POST 17

So often I want to write something encouraging that is equivalent to posting puppies and babies on social media but the problem here is that these are my thoughts and they are not often reflective of such beauty and happiness. I come here to let out the things that I am grieving. It is not pretty, cuddly or sweet. As badly as I wish I was that way, it just is not. So I see others who have experienced such tragedies and have learned that we all do things differently. I think for some, it is a matter of keeping a memory alive. The fear of anyone forgetting the person they lost is so real it is tangible to them. I get that. I have learned in ten years that for me… it just has not been the case. My fear was greatly and wonderfully unfounded. In the beginning of your journey I believe it to be one of the greatest fears we perceive ahead. With that in mind, we post reminders to let others know to remember. I almost always on the anniversary of my child leaving and his birthday, I would ask people to just say his name. There is great comfort in that. All too many times, I think as a person who is not the one grieving, we are afraid to mention the person in fear that it will be a sad reminder to the griever. I want to let you know that is not the case. There is a warmth to hearing our beloved’s name spoken in real time. It means you, also, have not forgotten. Do not be afraid to say their name. Jake. Dad. Todd.

The next thing I have observed is that there is such a stigma to grief and emotional “un”-wellness that makes people uncomfortable. Mostly because we do not know WHAT to say to them. We feel we must alleviate the problem to help our grieving or troubled friend. It is not possible. It is only possible to comfort by just being there. It is interesting to see celebrities and social icons coming forward to reveal that mental “un”-wellness is a real thing and that even they are not immune to it. Simone Biles and her olympic trial is an example that comes to mind. She was unable to compete because of the “twisties”. It was a real thing for her. She chose to put her health first and it was with mixed feelings that it was received by the public. Michael Phelps has become a face for online mental health help. Revealing that he too has struggled. Demi Lovato had a very public revelation with her stuggles and suicide issues. Britney Spears will forever be remembered for her mental break. What I am getting at is that these people have brought the stigmatized mental health issue to the surface to TALK ABOUT. Is grief a mental health issue? I suppose that could be debated but any mental health professional evaluation includes grief and trauma as one of the top common issues for seeking help. I would, as a griever, definitely classify grief as a mental health issue that deserves recognition and for many requires assistance to cope with daily living. It is such a complex issue that it changes from day to day, actually minute by minute. There are times in social settings that we do not want to recognize our grief and having others “pretend” it is not there is welcoming. There are other times when the setting may be more personal and all you want to do is recognize that IT IS ALL THAT IS THERE. There is no easy answer to this. Recently I had dinner with a group of people. Prior to the dinner, I was anxious and almost texted the host to tell him that he could mention to the others that it was not necessary for them to recognize or acknowledge the obvious elephant (me) in the room. Let’s just go on like nothing ever has happened and pretend that life is normal for me too. I didn’t do that. I just let it go and what would be would be. Interestingly enough, that was exactly what happened and all was well. I had an enjoyable time and was not sorry it was not mentioned. I did speak of my beloveds but there was no gasping or grappling for words by anyone. It was lovely. In contrast to that, I thought about it later. If you find yourself in that situation with a “griever” you can choose to do the same and I am letting you know that is alright. On the other hand, it is also alright to give a hug or a touch on the arm and acknowledge that you do indeed think about what this person is experiencing and give your best to them. Either way is alright for us on this side. Whatever that moment moves you to is going to be ok with us. I encountered an old friend as I do on the occasion that I leave my home… and with sad eyes they said… “Are you doing OK?” There is a genuine feeling of caring that came across- as it always does from those who do choose to address it and I do find comfort there too. So see… there really is no wrong way. We know that this is uncomfortable. It is for us too. Let it be known that we are well aware of our struggle. We wake up with it and go to bed with it every single day. Acknowledgement is validation to a griever. In our society, we feel compelled to “be ok” daily. Letting someone know that you have compassion for what they feel no matter how much time has passed continues to help heal my soul. I cannot speak for everyone but for me, it helps.

How do we remove social stigmas? Acknowledgement. Remove expectations. Whatever you may ‘think’ something would be helpful, offer it but acknowledge that if your person declines, let them know it is perfectly ok. Understand. Whether you think you can or not… keep in mind that everyone is internalizing differently. Understand that how ever they are coping is the best that they can at the time. I find myself in my own self seclusion the majority of my time. It is the place where I do not have to fulfill any expectations or seek anyone elses understanding. Only I know what is occurring emotionally and physically at that moment and sometimes sharing that time with another person is overwhelming. I don’t know when this self seclusion will end. Believe me, it is frustrating to feel this way too. I have a good person with whom I can confide in and seek counsel from every now and then. One of the greatest things that I seek from this person and always receive is the “permission” to nurture myself. This person has established for me that there is a very real emotional tank, jar, cup… how ever you visualize it. Any energy expended outside of the self seclusion draws directly from that emotional tank. It is crucial to dedicate time to restoring that tank. Once emotional expenditures have been used up there is a dry, empty feeling left in your soul. You may think that emotionally spending consists of crying or “melting down” etc. when on the contrary, while those things do take an emotional toll, they are also a crucial part of refueling that tank. Sometimes it may be what is left in the tank that must be drained in order to start the refilling process. If you are on the receiving end of one of these, just listen and let the person “get it out”. Give plenty of affirmations that this is part of the process and that it is to be expected and that you understand. Emotional expenditure consists of any time that is not spent in self isolation. Activities of daily living and existing in the world can and are emotionally draining. Think of how you are able to get up, go to work, cook dinner and watch television as a usual day. That is how we mostly expect “living” to be. Normal. In a world that has been completely disrupted, none of that is “normal” anymore to us. There is nothing normal about it. Our usual daily life is no more. Our person is not participating in all of the activities that were once part of your routine. For some, it may be falling at the heels of a marriage that spanned 40 plus years. For some it may be a parent that was there for their entire lives. It may be a child that they have spent every waking moment caring for since their birth. Maybe it is a significant other of 8 years. Maybe a sibling that was present from the time of your own birth. Regardless of the ‘who’… it is the disruption of life that must be recognized. When my own father passed, I had thought for my entire life that it would be the end of my life as I had known it. The incredibly interesting thing to me was that it wasn’t. My father lived a life that stories are made of. My father made the most of every situation he was faced with. My father was incredible. He lived a life that many dream of… including me. He was incredibly successful, he raised a family, he remained married to the same great woman for 55 years. He became ill and suffered. This… was what was difficult. This larger than life man was crumbling. His ability to muscle his way through life was waning. His body had begun to fail him and not even his bullheaded mind could do anything about it. He absolutely HATED that. He had lived a strong life as a strong minded, strong bodied man. This was not how he wanted to live. When he left, I was stricken with sadness. A gripping, paralyzing, even deafening feeling came through me. As time lessened this feeling I was left with relief that he was no longer suffering in a body that he had no control over. The grief for him was different. While I miss him daily and especially right now when I wish that I could seek his words… It is hard to be sad when I know he is at peace. He did everything he wanted in life and when he was ready to go… he went. He definitely did everything HIS WAY. My mothers grief is much deeper. She built a life with him from the age of 18.

Sometimes I don’t even know why I open this computer and begin. At first I feel there is something I need to get out and writing is my way. I usually have no idea what is going down through my fingers to the keyboard until I start. Secondly, I think about people who have or are experiencing despair and grief who have looked to me for a glimmer of something to help them find a way. I think the biggest thing I want to convey is the “psychological blueprint” for grief is random and personal to each human being and that most everything you experience is ‘normal’. Before this part of my life happened, I felt I could offer hope to others that you can overcome and you can find a life you fit into again. I am now having to constantly remind MYSELF that it took a LOT of TIME for me to feel I had anything to offer to someone in regards to hope. Though I have walked the road of grief before, the only thing I can draw from it is that I KNOW deep down in my soul that God will bring me through. People often say… and I am sure to others who have had loss… that I am strong. I do not feel strong. I do not see a choice. There has never been a choice. It is just surviving. I try to be strong but ,honestly, I would not even know how to define that. I appreciate the sentiment and it does give me hope for myself…just know that even those who come across as strong are self doubting every single step of the way and if you are too, that does not make you less ‘strong’.

I am not sure the message I am looking for or my reason for sitting down here today. Perhaps if only to give me the feeling of having accomplished something meaningful from my thoughts shared rather than allowing them to ruminate up there for nothing. So with that… thank you for coming along as I compartmentalize my thoughts onto a computer screen. Peace be with you friends. Love, JHW+