The Never Ending Roller Coaster

Post 4

So it has been a few weeks since I have been of the mind to be able to come here to this place. This is somewhat of a sacred space for me. It is a pure, raw, unsheathed bubble for which I am able to dig deep and find the things I NEED to cope with in this life right now. What a juxtaposition of a description. Pure; because it is my true thoughts without reservation. Raw; because it is not sugar coated or made pleasant for anyone’s benefit. Unsheathed; because all of my emotions have been stripped of their pleasantries. They have no shield to protect them from even the smallest of slights. Then the bubble. How can all of this nakedness be surrounded by a bubble and feel safe? Because inside the bubble of writing I can feel protected to share these “un-imaginables”. But also because a bubble is transparent I am able to let you see all of it while still under my thin layer of defense disguised as … a blog.

It has been just under three months since the wreckage of this life began. 89 days. 12 weeks and five days. Some days it seems like yesterday. Some days it seems like ages ago. Most days it does not feel real yet. Some moments hit you like a hot wave of pain that crushes you like molten lava straight to your heart and gushes over the rest of you in a sickening, miserable mess. It is so perplexing even now that I have experienced it too many times to count that emotional pain can be so much greater than “physical pain”. I know I have visited this idea before- the notion that emotional pain IS physical pain just not usually visible to the untrained eye- (we all have that one friend or family member who can recognize it the moment it appears in a tiny wrinkle on your face). Oh how many of us would trade an entire limb to take away the emotional pain. If we could trade a vital organ for the undoing of the done ~ I had one of those pains run through me just today. Just changing clothes in the bathroom. I’m not sure I can even recall what the thought was other than it was marked by the venom I felt flush through my veins. It did not last long, thank goodness, but was just as real as the tornado that just crashed through our Huyck Lake last weekend. You can feel those emotions being torn from their roots and flung around twisting in the storm. Falling where they may.

This past week has been full of reasons to celebrate life. My best friend got another year in her book of life for which, again, I am so thankful to have her guide my heart by following the path she blazed of her own and just simply her existence and that I am a part of it. Then the birth of my son was recognized by so many after ten years following his own induction back into Heaven. What a blessing to know so many still say his name! I, myself, graduated to the mid century mark without wishing it away. I agreed with myself a long time ago that birthdays and the number you are awarded to have another one would not bother me. I discovered that there was only one alternative to having a birthday. Not having one. I’ll take curtain number 1, Bob. So what if I am fifty. I now have the ability to amaze people with my skills that only young people have like remembering things, drinking more than they can and without puking …

and being able use electronic devices. Fathers Day is always a good day to celebrate. I was so pleased to see the kids honor each other and their father by being together. It did not bother me that the thought crossed my mind that the two men I would’ve given gifts to were not here with me. Instead I realized they were together grinning at each other because after all… they both have some pretty great offspring. Toot Toot. But for me, the grandest celebration of all was naturally —that of a child. This is what birthday celebrations were made for in my opinion. We celebrate the wonder of a child. We celebrate the infinite possibilities ahead for this child. We celebrate the milestones this little has accomplished in only TWO years of life on this Earth! Really. Think about it. I think TWO might be one of the greatest birthday celebrations in life! She has learned to walk, run, hop, dance, laugh, talk, sing, play, think, clap, put her hands together to PRAY!, climb stairs, slide down stairs!, feed herself, SUCKERS!, gummies, cookies, candy, lipstick, permanent markers, golf!, play piano, spit, watch television and have a favorite show…Barbie. I mean I know that college and high school graduation is tough and all but when are you ever going to accomplish this many IMPORTANT things in such a short time for the rest of your life?? (Ask me again next year when my grandson turns ONE and she turns THREE!)

So there was semi -bitter and extraordinarily sweet occasions occurring throughout this past week. Super high spots and super lows- some come with a gentle glide from one to the next and some plummet from the peak of the ride without you even knowing it’s coming. I hate roller coasters, by the way. I want so badly to like them. But I don’t. I see my kid just so excited at the thrill about to happen as she stands in line for some God awful, terrifying nonsense that looks to me like a heart attack on tracks and I desperately want to get the same feeling as her. It is exhilarating ONCE. I must admit that I have never done a roller coaster twice in my life. I have done different ones. Because I try. But the experience is always the same. It entails me being coaxed or ridiculed into getting into the line. Then begins the internal struggle within myself between the will to do it and resisting the fear and the urge to just duck under the rope and run like hell to get a funnel cake. I am literally terrified. They strap me in as I stupidly negotiate with the staff worker to let me live (ask my child, I am speaking truth). Then comes the real terror. The climbing of the dumb ride to the top. The torturous clicking up, up, up to somewhere that isn’t even visible yet when I start thinking “Oh my God what have I done. Should I start trying to tighten up my guts now for the fall? Will I pee my pants? Feels like I might pee my pants.” I clench my fists and my jaws and my eyes and my abdominal muscles and anything else capable of “clenching” and there it is. The part I just despise. The damn drop. The free fall. The nothingness. The abyss. I believe the worst part for me is not knowing how long it is going to last. I can tell you that it always lasts longer than I want it to. It is the most out of control feeling in the world. WHY would anyone WILLINGLY do this to themselves?? I just cannot comprehend it. The rest of the ride is fun because I do like to go really fast and turn upside down etc. But- it is clouded by the sheer terror I just endured. Or perhaps they save that last big one for the end. Oh that’s a blast… I feel like I just look like a cat on a leash that someone is dragging to the bathtub to bathe.

Life is always a roller coaster of sorts. This past 89 days has been a bad one. Not one that anyone wants on. Having lost my son, then my father, the minute the reality started setting in I felt the clicking up, up, up of this damn ride. I knew what was coming next. I remember riding shotgun with my brother and his precious wife who could not hide her broken heart, thinking, “Dammit. I don’t want to do this”. I just hate it. Yes, some are worse than others. Not because the heartbreak is any more or less but there are circumstances that we understand and some we just never will. I have had more that I do not understand than ones I can. Undoubtedly there will be more. Listening to Jack Johnson as I mowed the grass the other day he sang the verse from the song “If I Could”…  

They say that new life makes losin’ life easier to understand
Words are kind they help ease the mind I miss my old friend
And thou you gotta go we’ll keep a piece of your soul
One goes out, one comes in…

I felt that. Highs, Lows. Ups, Downs. Good, Bad. Happy, Sad. It is just life isn’t it. It’s all a juxtaposition. It’s all a roller coaster. You can’t take the bad… without taking the good. We have lost something that can never be replaced. We were also given two new souls and one more brand new in less than a month that cannot be replaced either. I may never recover from this last unseen drop to the depths of hell. Oh, but the joy He placed in our lives grows like wildfire daily and spreads just as quickly. He didn’t just give us one to come in when our ONE went out… He has given us THREE to ease those drops. I’m still having “those days” and expect to honestly for the rest of my life. It’s hard to remember in the middle of the free fall that it will end and it will feel better in a while when all I can focus on is the out of control feeling that I can do very little about for a moment. Enjoy those glides. Enjoy those highs. Breathe through the lows. Know.

Know that the scary part will be over shortly and something beautiful will be waiting when you get through. Maybe it’ll be a funnel cake… or a brand new gift from God to marvel over. If the hospital serves funnel cakes I will certainly have the best of it all!

What’s the pearl today? Hmm. This pain is temporarily permanent.

The gifts we receive are permanently temporarily permanent.

Enjoy those gifts each as they come. The pain that recedes. That though the joys are ever changing, the wonder never ceases. Keep the buckle on- we might not see it coming when the ride is coming to the end.

BTW. I hate roller coasters.